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About Deviant Premium Member Kim MetzgerMale/United States Group :iconageregression-aging: AgeRegression-Aging
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I don't THINK anyone has come up with this obvious joke, but it popped into my head earlier today.  If you like it, feel free to share with friends.


Q:  Why don't politicians like to get fruitcake for Christmas?

















A:  They don't want to be accused of being cannibals.
The moment after by FMTFluver
The moment after
This is one of my favorite kinds of art and photos, the subject in a pose suggesting she had been something else just seconds before.  It works best with the subject on all fours, but it's hard to get many artists to agree to that.  They think you're suggesting something else.  And it's sometimes even harder to explain what you really want to see.

Anyway, here we have a young woman sitting naked on a table with a pet collar around her neck.  She was something else seconds before  I'll leave what up to you.
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I was inspired to write this column by an argument that came up in comments for today's (December 14) "Working Daze" comic strip.  I didn't want to add to the debate there as battle lines had already been drawn that I don't feel addressed what I wanted to say and I didn't want to get drawn into either one.  Early in the comments, someone made a reference to "religious nut jobs" and someone else challenged the writer about what was meant, and the explanation was obviously an example of the writer's own intolerance, etc.  I don't want to go to that road.  Please note that I did not include the word religion in the quotations in the title of this entry.

Let me make clear:  I do not believe that everyone who believes in a religion is a nut job.  But there are certain nut jobs out there whose insanity is based on ideas about religion that have taken, let's say, a peculiar turn.

I encountered them sometimes when I was a child.  Two examples have stayed with me, roughly 50 years later.

One of them happened when I had a paper route.  When I was collecting money, I mentioned to one customer a television show that I liked.  And this man started telling me that watching television was a sin because we were here on this Earth to love the things of the Lord, and television wasn't something of the Lord.

I understand there are religions where television is not tolerated, maybe even outright forbidden.  There are also a lot of people who simply don't watch television for reasons that have nothing to do with religion.  That's fine, if that's what you feel, go with it.  But to go around telling little kids they're committing a sin by watching television, that's wrong.  I remember I was struggling with that until I got home, where my Mom set me straight.

The other incident, in my mind, was much worse.  I was going door-to-door selling personalized Christmas cards.  I'd been doing very well.  Eventually, I sold enough to win a tape recorder.  As I had a speech impediment when I was young, it was something I could use.

But, when I was doing the actual selling, I came to one house with a middle-aged woman in it.  And she told me she didn't celebrate Christmas.  No, she wasn't a member of another religion.  This woman had gotten it in her head that December 25 was actually celebrating the birth of Nebuchadnezzar.  

Her reasoning was this:  When Christ was crucified, he was 33 and a half years old.  If you went six months forward or six months backward from when he was supposed to have been crucified, roughly March or April, you're in September or October.  I don't know how she came to the conclusion that what everyone was celebrating was the birth of Nebuchadnezzar, but that was what she believed.

I was 11 years old at this time.  Imagine yourself at that age, probably unaware (as I was at the time) that the calendar when Jesus walked the Earth had only 10 months to it.  And you also didn't know (I did not) that the day chosen to celebrate Christmas was chosen by The Church, possibly to take the place of Saturnalia, Yule, Sol Invictus, and other pagan festivals.  Probably no one today knows on exactly which day Christ was born.  

And, yes, Christmas is horribly commercialized and people forget the reason for the season, etc.  Most Christians, in their hearts, know why they're celebrating.

If you want to tell your own child that Christmas is a sin, that television is a sin, that's one thing.  The children being told that will eventually deal with it in their own ways.

But to go around telling this stuff to children in general, children who probably don't know how to discern differences in beliefs, that's just wrong and harmful.  It might actually drive them away from religion.  And, from what I've read about Jesus, he would not be pleased with this practice regarding children.

In my opinion, it is people who have to inflict such beliefs on others that are, yes, religious "nut jobs."  And the harm they do is incalculable.
Rejected scene by FMTFluver
Rejected scene
Okay, once again, I'M NOT THE ARTIST!  This was done for me by Tebra, who frequently sells on eBay.  You can find his stuff here:  www.ebay.com/sch/sweetshirleyb…

For those of you who don't know (and I can't imagine anyone in the TG crowd who doesn't) there was an episode of this show where they got off the island, only to wind up in the clutches of a mad scientist who swapped their minds into the bodies of their fellow castaways.  The title character was switched with the millionaire, the millionaire's wife with the skipper, the Professor with Mary Ann, and the movie star was in the body of the scientist's assistant.  At the end, the scientist and his henchman were switched into the body of a cat and dog.  This imagines the machine being used again resulting in this scene.  And I'm afraid I'm responsible to the forcibly inserted word balloon.
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(Contains: nudity)
There are a lot of people out there who love the song of which I'm about to make light, and will be horrified that anyone would come up with what I've come up about it.  If you're one of them, please accept the apologies of one who finds the song just a little TOO sweet.

We were in a small room in the back of the store, following the monitors on a feed from the actual security for the store.  He didn’t know if they knew of his presence or not.

“The owner knows, that’s enough,” he said.

I studied him.  His clothes were clean, but old.  Not quite threadbare, but probably not far from it.  And, at his side, was the shoe box.

“Some people might say it’s a scam,” he said.  “But I look at it as a service, a way of brightening up the holiday for someone who’s lost the spirit.  We’re careful, we don’t go after someone who is just buying stuff because he’s gonna get stuff.  And we don’t pick someone who’s just making ends meet himself.  

“We always pick someone who’s well-off, but, well, not tired.  Maybe their favorite radio station went to all Christmas music the first day of November.  Maybe he’s heard “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer” or “I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas.  Maybe he got talked into going out on Black Friday or online on Cyber Monday.  Maybe he’s seen one too many street corner Santas, or seen too many kids – or wives, or mistresses, or whatever, begging/whining for something.”

“How did you get picked?” I asked him.

“The people here know me.  They saw me in the school play.  And they think I’ve got just the right look.  Friendly, polite, a little sad, but not TOO sad.  And hopeful.  And, what’s the word?  Reverent?”

“Sounds right,” I told him.  “Can I see them?”

He opened the box and there they were.  Not flashy or elegant, but nice-looking.  And a kind of dignity to them.  And dainty, yes, dainty.  

But they didn’t look cheap.

“So, how many times – ”

“Maybe three, four times a way.  On a good day, maybe as many as eight.”

“And always the same ones?”

He nodded.

Suddenly, the red and green lights flashed.  He glanced at the monitors and instantly knew who the – “mark” didn’t seem like the right word – the spiritually needy, that was it – was.

“I’m on,” he said, and left out the special door.

I watched on the monitor as he took an unnoticeably direct route to the check out.  He got there at the same time as the customer.  The customer had a small handbasket, but saw the kid had just the box, and let him go first.  I could hear through the hidden microphone the kid had slipped on for me his opening line:

“Sir, I wanna buy these shoes,
For my Momma, please ...

I saw the cashier ring up the shoes, I saw the kid empty his pockets of more coins than I’d ever seen come out of pockets.  Had extra big pockets been sewn in?

Then I heard the cashier say there wasn’t enough there.  The kid’s head dropped.  The customer asked him something, the kid said something, and the customer pulled out his wallet.  He seemed to offer to pay for the shoes entirely, but the kid wouldn’t allow it.  The transaction was made, the kid’s face broke into the biggest smile I’d ever seen, he thanked the customer, and then left the store.

Five minutes later, he was back in the room with me.

“How much do you make every time you sell these shoes?” I asked him.

“At first, it was only five percent.  But, we’ve done so well, I now get twenty.”

I shook my head and laughed.

“You won’t tell?” he asked me.

“Like I said, I’ll wait until March, well after this season.”

“And you don’t say which store?”

“Not even which city or state.”

“Thanks, mister.”

I waited until his next call, then left the room.  I bought a few things, smiled at the cashier, and left.

I wondered how much more that kid would make with those shoes before the season ended.
An Exercise in Scroogery -- The REAL Story
This popped into my head I don't know how many Christmas seasons ago.  
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I don't THINK anyone has come up with this obvious joke, but it popped into my head earlier today.  If you like it, feel free to share with friends.


Q:  Why don't politicians like to get fruitcake for Christmas?

















A:  They don't want to be accused of being cannibals.

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FMTFluver
Kim Metzger
United States
Former Staff Editor on Comics Buyer's Guide, now working for Uncle Sam at the USPS. Am a fan of comic books, cartoons, just about all female transformations (TG and female feline excluded).
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:iconjkrolak:
jkrolak Featured By Owner 6 days ago  Hobbyist Photographer
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Christmas Ornaments by KmyGraphic:iconclearspaceplz::iconclearspaceplz::iconclearspaceplz::iconclearspaceplz::iconclearspaceplz::iconclearspaceplz::iconclearspaceplz:Christmas Ornament by KmyGraphic


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Christmas Ornament by KmyGraphic:iconclearspaceplz::iconclearspaceplz::iconclearspaceplz::iconclearspaceplz::iconclearspaceplz::iconclearspaceplz::iconclearspaceplz:Christmas Ornaments by KmyGraphic

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FMTFluver Featured By Owner 4 days ago
Best of the season to you, too.  Thank you.
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gtsvivian Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2014  Hobbyist
Sun Community; what deviantART is all about! Have your cake and eat it too Happy birthday :D (Big Grin)
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FlynnAura Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2014  Student General Artist
Happy Birthday! Have a great day! spaz kermit 
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adamnorde583 Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2014  Professional General Artist
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DEAR FRIEND!!Hug Headbang! Headbang! Headbang! Airborne Woohooooo! Woohooooo! 
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tlegg Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2014
happy birthday
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LatexMarkus Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2014  Hobbyist Artist
Happy Birthday Heart Airborne Heart 
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Stephanie215 Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2014
Happy birthday!
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jkrolak Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
:iconblank-spaceplz::iconpinkiepiecakeplz::iconblank-spaceplz:Happy Bday by KmyGraphic:iconblank-spaceplz::iconpinkiepiecakeplz:
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Singingnaturist Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2014
Thanks a lot Kim, for adding me to your list of friends. - Phil :)
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